Not even a princess can escape #MeToo

Photograph: Tatiana Romanov

Boasson and Eggler St. Petersburg Nevsky 24,

13 Dec. 1913

“It’s not evil which conquers evil, but love.” Tatiana Romanov

I know it has been a great while since I wrote. Writers have dry spells and wet spells; or in my case they are involved in too many projects.

I am back from a six day vacation spent on a cruise with a population of 95% women. The theme centered on kindness and women musicians and singers. The music was great and inspiring. So inspiring, I’ve contemplated getting out my son’s bass that leans against his bedroom wall and learning how to play it.

Being on a cruise with a large population of women, I had dreamed of escaping prominent social norms that tell me how I am supposed to behave as a middle class woman who could afford to be on this trip. I was hoping to turn off my day job, but terrible social norms are hard to toss off the boat. There are many competing norms to consider and I hope to write about these the upcoming months.

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Painting from Norwegian Pearl Summer Palace Dining Room
Tatiana Romanov and Earnest Hesse, Grand Duke Hesse taken
by Homelight April 2019

Regal environments and celebrities reinforce seem to capture our attention. Some of us have been taught to desire this lifestyle. According to Dr. Frank Farley, a professor and psychologist at Temple University and a former American Psychology Association president, “We all have dreams of wealth and fame and happiness and style and social influence and so on, which starts early with fairy tales and the way we raise our kids.” Even if we don’t chose to live this way this belief is subconsciously present. Farley adds, “[These dreams] stay with us, to some extent, throughout our lives. Royals and other people, like Hollywood figures and Kardashian types keep this phenomenon alive.”

On deck six of the Norwegian Pearl, is the Summer Palace Dining Room. The decor was inspired by Russian Palaces. It features red, green, and gold colors, marbled columns and high windows that look out over the waters. The paintings that line the walls depict the Romanov family before their forced imprisonment and assassination. Many of the paintings are colorized reproductions from familiar black and white photographs of the young royalty. The food is served on china on top of white table linen. One can feel regal eating from a daily changing three course menu.

Yet one painting caught my eye and made me feel yucky (see above). The painting is of Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna of Russia. The paintings tag stated she was with Ernest Hesse, Grand Duke of Hesse. Why was this man holding her arms this way? Why did he have his legs crossed around her? And, he was an older man. (I know today’s standards.)  There was nothing beyond the tag to put the painting into perspective.

After the cruise, I discovered Ernest Hesse was a beloved Uncle. This didn’t make the picture feel any better especially when there were other photographs of Uncle Ernie with the children the painter could have chosen from.

Tatiana was known to be the most organized and self assured of her sisters. During World War I, she was trained as a Russian Red Cross nurse. She was thought to be an efficient surgical nurse and tended to wounded officers at a hospital. Additionally, she organized a committee to help refugee from the war while continuing her nursing duties. When the family was imprisoned, Tatiana’s father would send her as a spokesperson to their guards. The painting doesn’t depict this story 

Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna
wearing a Red Cross nursing uniform
and Dmitri Yakovlevich Malama

of who Tatiana was.

Perhaps the painting is asking viewers to dig deeper into Tatiana’s life.

“Sofia Ivanovna Tyutcheva, one of the governesses for the girls, was horrified that Rasputin was permitted into the nursery while the girls were in their nightgowns. Tyutcheva wanted to barre him from the nursery. Tatiana, who was twelve at the time, feared her mother would be angered by Tyutcheva preventing him from coming into the nursery, and wrote to her about it. Even though she was soon fired, she told the story to other members of the family and they were scandalized. By all accounts, Rasputin’s visits to the children were innocent in nature. Grand Duchess Xenia Alexandrovna of Russia, Anastasia’s paternal aunt, was especially horrified.”

In Grand Duchess Xenia’s diaries, she writes that Rasputin caresses the children in the nursery, even the two pre-teen princesses.  She identifies this as inappropriate. Xenia is upset, but the children’s mother is so caught up in her grief over having a child with a medical disability -- can't hear her.   I would also argue, the Tsarina was also caught up in social norms and believed Rasputin’s behavior as a religious figure to be as acceptable. 

In either case, Tatiana did not consent or have the power to consent to this type of touch.  Going back to the painting it tells the story even a princess can’t escape an inappropriate touch.  

Resources:  

To learn more about Child Sexual Abuse Prevention and how to hold adults accountable see Darkness 2 Light.  

References:

Azur, Helen. “Tatiana Romanov. Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna of Russia.” The Romanov Family.com 18 Aug. 2015 Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 https://www.theromanovfamily.com/grand-duchess-tatiana-nikolaevna-of-russia/

Ducharme, Jamie. “Why people are obsessed with the royals, according to psychologists.” Time Magazine. 16 May 2018. Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 http://time.com/5253199/royal-obsession-psychology/

History of things. “The Grand Duchess of Russia who was Rumoured to have escaped death, Anastasia Romanov.” 27 May 2017. Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 https://historythings.com/grand-duchess-anastasia-romanov/

#Believe prayers

"To be rendered powerless does not destroy your humanity. Your resilience is your humanity. The only people who lose their humanity are those who believe they have the right to render another human being powerless. They are the weak. To yield and not break, that is incredible strength." ~ Hanna Gadsby, “Nanette”

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ~ Maya Angelou

This past week really pulled me down. However, I chose Shiloh Sophia’s call and put prayers into my art with each paint stroke (See above). I put green and copper into my year long painting. My prayers were for healing survivors, healing perpetrators, healing for those who believe and stand with survivors, and those who continue to victim blame. I prayed for a society in my lifetime that is free of unhealthy behaviors that hurt another.

I work in the field of domestic and sexual violence. The local, state and national hotlines have increased since Thursday. Survivors are calling about old wounds or new hurts. Men are calling asking: what can they do? I’ve been sharing a starting list from Men Can Stop Rape. Futures without Violence is another good resource for both prevention and intervention. They have materials for different professions and different age groups. Their Starting Strong program has a checklist parents can take to their schools to look at policy and curriculums used to prevent bullying, sexual harassment and dating violence. If you work or volunteer with a youth serving organization, Stewards of Children offers a policy checklist and an on-line prevention training for adults to hold other adults accountable.

If you’re a friend or family member of a survivor - BELIEVE!!!! Share the national hotline. They are also there to support you as a friend or a caregiver.

RAINN - National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE.

If you still don’t know how to show support to a survivor. Check out Brene Brown’s video on what is empathy.

If you are a survivor - I am sorry this has happened to you. Your pain should not be mocked or laughed at nor should you be told “if it had been me I would of….” I am sorry.

There are professionals who are trauma trained and experienced in working with survivors. To get a listing contact your local rape crisis center. There are also other forms of trauma therapy available: yoga, theater, dance, singing, and art.

The Trough
by Judy Brown:
Read by Judy Brown. 

My ARTUAL this new moon…. Putting green and copper - healing brush strokes for the world.  

Denaturing Domestic, Dating and Sexual Violence

Important Safety Information for Reading this Entry

For victims of abuse using a computer/technology at home, or where an abuser has access to it, can be very dangerous.  It is impossible to erase all computer history.  Additionally, spyware can be installed onto your computer/technology without your knowledge and give the abuser ways to track and monitor your computer activity.

I highly recommend that you use a computer/technology that you know is “safe,” and to which the abuser does not have access.  You can go to a trusted friend’s home, a public library, or a rape crisis or domestic violence program in your community.


If you are in danger now and in the USA dial 911 now.



"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot." Eleanor Roosevelt.  You  Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life


"It isn't enough to talk about peace.  One must believe in it.  And it isn't enough to believe in it.  One must work at it." Eleanor Roosevelt.


You never know where you'll be called to do work as a wise witchy person.  When I was in college I’d never be caught saying: “I’m pursuing a career in ending domestic, dating and sexual violence.”  I'd been raised to not talk about “it.”  “It” was treated like a contagious disease.  "It" happened in other families and to those kinds of people.  Talking about “it” put you at risk for becoming a victim. 

Before I left for college (81-85), I was given a long laundry list of rules to follow so "it" wouldn't happen to me.  Most of the rules focused on: my clothing (no plunging neck lines or miniskirts), my hair style (no pony tails), not walking at night alone, not going to bars alone, being at home before dark, knowing where all the blue boxes were on campus…  I was to beware of all the shadow areas on campus and strangers who might follow me (it was a large campus and how was I really going to know everyone).  I was told "it" was apart of loving relationships.  Everyone fights and sometimes it just gets physical.  I needed to stick with the cultural norm of being tolerant in relationship and learn to bend more, lay back and take it, and to not be so "earthy" (I think this was a euphemism for feminist, a behavior never encouraged in my household).

The above rules I found out were garbage.  They were created for people to blame the victim (known as victimization).  These rules still influence jury members and the general public.  The defense attorneys count on and still uses them during the hearing.  I find them bogus rules whose only purpose is to make others have a false sense of security.  And, I'm amaze at how people still cling to these rules: "He/she was a nice person, a boy/girl scout, a church elder"...when "it" happens.  The biggest lie I was told was the stranger one because 95% of assaults are committed by an acquaintance.   

Needless I avoided these topics like – the plague.  Because I also found out talking about "it" is a party silencer.  

But, sometimes the Great Motherfather Spirit has something else in store for you.  I personally like the the kind of magic that is full of light and healing (think Cinderella’s Godmother, babies, flowers, puppies and kitties).  Denaturing Domestic, Dating and Sexual Violence doesn't fit this description.  It is the kind of work I hate most – cleaning up messes or preventing the mess from ever happening.

~#~

Facts:

Domestic and sexual violence, human trafficking and child abuse is a crime in the USA.

It is also a crime in violation against the International Human Rights Treaty

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used: to manipulate, to exert power and control over another, and make the other person feel bad about them self.  It comes in the forms of: emotional and physical, stalking, sexual, digital (technology), and financial.

Domestic and sexual violence, human trafficking and child abuse can happen in rich and poor families, it can happen in young and old, straight or LGBT couples.

~#~

To denature:

The first time I came across this word was in Mr. Boyle’s 11^th grade Chemistry Class.  It was changing the physical structure of a molecule into something else.  His lecture was about the nitrates in proteins and how they became possible cause for cancer.    This same lecture was repeated several times in my college pre-med experience.

When I define denaturing domestic, dating and sexual violence – it is diminishing and ultimately eliminating this structure in society within the context of intimate relationships.  Ultimately, if the properties that cause domestic, dating and sexual violence are removed people would have healthy relationships. 

As a wise witchy person we have the ability to help harness energy to do this.  Thinking back on the burning times, I believe our integrity to speak out against injustice was one of the many reasons those in power didn't like us.  We were truth tellers.

~#~

Z Budapest 68



My discovery of Z. Budapest was through my friend C.  I'd attended many Take Back the Night events, you might say, as an initiation to becoming a feminist.  For those who don’t know – Take Back the Night is an international march to protest and bring awareness to end sexual and intimate partner violence.  It was C who told me that the first Take Back the Night march in the U.S. was organized in San Francisco, California on November 4, 1978.  Budapest and the Susan B. Anthony Coven were one of the lead organizers. 

Reading her book, I felt comfortable about hexing.  Her definition was more in line with my belief system of pursuing social justice in a civil society.  It was about exposing and ultimately bringing people to justice who had a disregard and contempt for human rights by committing barbarous acts that outrage the conscience of society (Declaration of Human Rights).  Hexing to me became another way to plea for justice to the Great Motherfather Spirit. 

The following link is a video to her hexing ritual against an unknown Richmond rapists who left a woman almost dead in the winter cold.   


In The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries Part 1 there are two hexing rituals: stop harrassment at school (59) and to hex a rapist (63).   In Goddess in the Office there is a whole section regarding sexual harrassment within the office (39-49).

 

~#~

The Catylis for this work - Barbara


I worked with Barbara for about nine years.  She was a licensed social worker in public health.  Barbara had a sense of humor.  She collected “Barbie” items even though she was a feminist.  The closest comparison to Barbie was her long hair that was brown.  She was able to find humor in the worst situation.  If there wasn’t anything funny, she would do something funny like draw a silly doodle.  Barbara would refresh everyone with her contagious laughter.  She had a way with fostering the best in everyone by drawing out individuals’ strengths and commonalities. 

I know that Barbara liked books.  She read mysteries and criminal investigation stories.  Barbara was fascinated by the criminal mind.  Barbara was a dog lover.  Her ideal retirement would be to open up a book, plant, coffee and adopt a pet shop.  She cared for people - especially those who were the underserved and poor.

What I didn’t know was Barbara’s home life was a secret from many.  Her marriage to her husband was filled with violence and isolation. And, she was very good at hiding the abuse.  Visual bruises or broken glasses were laughed off as her being clumsy or that her two beloved dogs being underfoot.  Long sleeve dark tops were worn in the middle of summer, because the building was so cold.  I'd hear her husband’s frequent telephone calls.  When we'd comment, she would tell us “they were still in love.”  Many didn’t know that he had gradually isolated her off from her sister and close friends.   

   

In the late eighties, the American Medical Association stated that all health care facilities should screen for domestic violence, Barbara was a vocal advocate in stating all publicly funded health clinics should do this type of screening.  Ohio was one of the first states to sign on.  And, she was the key person who made this happen.

I can still remember that Tuesday after Memorial Day (1997).  I was watching the morning news.  The reporter was broadcasting in front of her house.  Her husband was announced that he had been taken into custody.  I was in denial all the way to work telling myself how many (Barbara’s Last Name) live in Central Ohio.  I made our supervisor call her house.  We got the answering machine.  Within hours we were called in by Employee Assistance Program.

Looking back, I can read all the signs.  Back then – I’d have never believe one who was the loudest advocate when it came to helping women get out of violent relationships would be in one herself. 

Her death called for me to begin working to shine light on the darkness.  To be a part of a community working to end domestic, dating and sexual violence.  To become part of the solution by finding ways to prevent this behavior from ever happening.    

Barbara's death was the catalysis for me.  Her death made me feel the final push of the Great Motherfather Spirit's calling.

~#~

Why is it in my handbook?


Sometimes you are called to do hard work and clean up messes that have been going on for many generations. 

Sometimes this work goes against what is popular.  That's okay.  Sometimes you need to call for help from the Great Motherfather Spirit and your plea maybe in the form of a hexing ritual for social justice. But, know that you aren't alone - there are others doing this work too.


You will know that you are doing good work - when magically time slips away.  This is what happens when I do this work.  

~#~

Activities:


Things you can say to a friend who is victimized

• I believe you….
• I am here for you….
• No one deserves to be……
• There is help for you

Know and share your local resources and national numbers

• National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 http://www.thehotline.org/
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit their on-line hotline at https://ohl.rainn.org/online/    http://www.rainn.org/
• National Teen Dating Violence Hotline  1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453  http://blog.loveisrespect.org/
• If anyone is in danger now – dial 911.

Things you can say to a friend who is making a sexist remark or joke, bullying, texting sexual rumors, displaying pornography.  (Note: When you say something –they may say “no big deal” or “everyone is doing it.”)

• Say it: I just heard you call Chris a (fill in the blank)
• Claim it: The word (fill in the blank) is personally offensive to me and is an offensive term in general.
• Stop it:  Please don’t use that word in my presence again.

Participate in one of the many marches that bring awareness to ending domestic, dating and sexual  violence.

The Slut Walk - http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/

Walk a Mile in her Shoes - http://www.walkamileinhershoes.org/

The Bride March - http://www.bridesmarch.com/
The College Brides Walk - http://www.collegebrideswalk.com/default.html


Plus there is the work that Eve Ensler on V-Day 

For men: Oakland Men's Project 
White Ribbon Campaign -  http://www.whiteribbon.ca/
Men Can Stop Rape - http://www.mencanstoprape.org/

Paul Kivel and the Oakland Men's Project and Jackson Katz and......