Nebula the Muse: Part 2

Homelight. Nebula. 2019

“Did you know that the center of a Protostar (the star in the middle of a nebula) is called a Nuclear Furnace? So you can call that the star's "heart." The heart of a star is a furnace. Not much unlike the human heart.” ― C. JoyBell C.

"I am just learning to notice the different colors of stars, and already begun to have enjoyment.” -- Maria Mitchell

Stages of Completion 

Painting provides me another way contemplate and reflect.  Each brush stroke is an opportunity to dialogue with Motherfather Spirit.  I stand back or sit and stare at the painting and ponder different questions.  During my painting of Nebula, I thought about 1) how can I have a life filled with joy and happiness? 2) Does the lack of laughter and silliness a result of life without my muse?; 3) what does life feels like when the two are working as a team?

I want to acknowledge that my critic is needed to inquire and think logically through a problem, and my muse is needed to be a little off the wall for solving a problem. However, my muse can tolerate my critic only so much. She has a tipping point with unnecessary crap and frequent bad news and negative feelings found in meetings or back to back conference calls. These are what my critic thrives on. But, my muse’s heart wants space to dream of orange-vanilla globules and gales of candy pink bubbles. My muse wants to dance under the stars or at least pirouette in her office chair.

This painting felt more intuitive than The Woman with the Flowers in Her Hair. I turned the canvas around and around after putting in the initial color brush strokes. Her face appeared in the canvas and all I had to do is follow the lines to draw her and her hair in. Initially, I saw her as a cross between Cyndi Lauper “Girls want to have fun” and a Joan Jett “Don’t Surrender.” I placed rune marks throughout her hair: peace, love, joy and balance; and only one grouping remains. The runes are symbols for having a peaceful and joyful relationship between the muse and the critic.

Following the first glaze, the colors revealed a different story. She became Nebula: the one who births stars out of dying stardust. Nebula, the muse, is a creator.  It is very descriptive of what I do.  How often do I see something new in broken pieces?  I see the potential of a new star.  As I glazed over the canvas two birds appeared.  I left them as outlines and interpreted them as an awakening. 

The painting is an awakening for the muse, critic and I to be better team players.  I have a strong compassion and love for both.  These two in balance make a better me.  

~~~

Nebula (April 2019)
by Homelight

I am the spark, the seed, the first notion of a wish.
Exploding stars, dark giants, orange-vanilla globules, knots of lime green;
primal ephemeral - transformed gas and glitter into fiery lights.
I am the universe of unlimited possibilities.

Exploding stars, dark giants, orange-vanilla globules, knots of lime green,
gales of candy pink bubbles melting metal and sand;
I am the universe of unlimited possibilities.
I lose myself twirling, spiraling in a celestial dance.

Gales of candy pink bubbles melting metal and sand,
primal ephemeral - transformed gas and glitter into fiery lights;
I lose myself twirling, spiraling in a celestial dance.
I am the spark, the seed, the first notion of a wish.


Nebula is written in pantoum form. “The pantoum form is a Malaysian verse form adapted by French poets and occasionally imitated in English. It comprises a series of quatrains, with the second and fourth lines of each quatrain repeated as the first and third lines of the next. The second and fourth lines of the final stanza repeat the first and third lines of the first stanza.” (Poetry Foundation)

Reference:

1. Poetry Foundation. “Glossary of terms.” Poetryfoundation.org, retrieved 7 May, 2019 https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms/pantoum

Nebula: The Muse Part 1

Homelight. Nebula. 2019.

“I am my own muse. I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.”  ― Frida Kahlo



“The golden anchor beckons, the blue sail rises
Like the wing of a dream unfolding to a new day.
Let us depart, my muse!
Beyond an anxious prow, the sea stretches itself out…” ― Delmira Agustini

My first encounter with muses was in Mrs. Bloomer’s eighth grade English reading Homer's Iliad and the Odyssey. The muses, were the nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne. I believe Mrs. Bloomer’s discussion centered on the gifts these nine women brought to humankind: the humanities and astronomy.

Literature, science, and art classes I took, explained that each of us had a muse. The inner muse was described as the spark of inspiration that gives writers, inventors, artists, and me the idea. This spark was the creative impulse that drove one to bring an idea into existence. Teachers, professors, and family members assured me I had it. Everyone had a muse. Inspired by the joy of creating; I would paint and write and crunch numbers and garden and knit. However, more often than not, I would receive less than an A or someone would scrunch their face and tilt their head to the side and tell me “perhaps my gifts was in another field” or maybe I needed to get in better touch with my muse by listening harder. Similar to Shakespeare, I thought my muse was dried up or she was partying somewhere out of my reach.

~~~

Sonnet C (1609)
William Shakespeare

Where art thou Muse that thou forget'st so long,
To speak of that which gives thee all thy might?
Spend'st thou thy fury on some worthless song,
Darkening thy power to lend base subjects light?
Return forgetful Muse, and straight redeem,
In gentle numbers time so idly spent;
Sing to the ear that doth thy lays esteem
And gives thy pen both skill and argument.
Rise, resty Muse, my love's sweet face survey,
If Time have any wrinkle graven there;
If any, be a satire to decay,
And make Time's spoils despised every where.
Give my love fame faster than Time wastes life,
So thou prevent'st his scythe and crooked knife.

~~~

Since the beginning of April, I’ve been working on a painting entitled: Nebula. The theme of this painting module was to focus on being in contact with my inner muse. Truthfully, my inner muse has been out partying. The last time I saw her was in the opening dance scene for the movie La La Land singing “Another Day of Sun” on top of a car roof. She recently sent me a postcard from Lucca, Italy with a recipe for homemade tomato sauce and inquired about the status of my inner critic.

Life has been serious. The subject matter of my work is serious. My inner critic somehow managed to acquire super powers that sucks the joy out of everything. This inner voice has turned against me and nitpicks everything I seem to do. It echos people critical of my work from back in school. I can’t blame my muse for taking off. My critic doesn’t believe in howling at the moon, “what will people think?”

What will people think indeed.

I found this module a creative means to invite the muse back into my life. 

La La Land Cast. "Another Day of Sun."  La La Land (Original Motion Picture Sound Cast), Interscope Records, 2016.

Reference:
Homer. Illiad. Translated Samuel Butler, 800 BCE, retrieved 7 May, 2019 http://classics.mit.edu/Homer/iliad.html
Homer. Odyssey, Translated Samuel Butler, 800 BCE, retrieved 7 May, 2019 http://classics.mit.edu/Homer/odyssey.html
La La Land Cast. "Another Day of Sun." La La Land (Original Motion Picture Sound Cast), Interscope Records, 2016. retrieved 7 May, 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CVfTd-_qbc
Shakespeare, William. “Sonnet C.” 1609 retrieved 7 May 2019. http://shakespeare.mit.edu/Poetry/sonnet.C.html

Women's Sports Coverage: Abby Wambach

Wambach warming up for an
international friendly match against
Canada, September 2011 HM Larson

“You might find yourself holding a baby instead of a briefcase and fearing that your colleagues are “getting ahead” and leaving you behind. Here’s what’s important: You are allowed to be disappointed when it feels like life’s benched you. What you aren’t allowed to do is miss your opportunity to lead from the bench. If you’re not a leader on the bench, don’t call yourself a leader on the field. You’re either a leader everywhere or nowhere.”
― Abby Wambach, WOLFPACK: How to Come Together, Unleash Our Power and Change the Game

“You see, soccer didn’t make me who I am. I brought who I am to soccer, and I get to bring who I am wherever I go. So do you.” ― Abby Wambach, WOLFPACK: How to Come Together, Unleash Our Power, and Change the Game

“Leadership is taking care of yourself and empowering others to do the same. Leadership is not a position to earn, it’s an inherent power to claim. Leadership is the blood that runs through your veins—it’s born in you. It’s not the privilege of a few, it is the right and responsibility of all. Leader is not a title that the world gives to you—it’s an offering that you give to the world.” ― Abby Wambach, WOLFPACK: How to Come Together, Unleash Our Power, and Change the Game


The Norwegian Cruise Ship the Pearl has thirteen bars and lounges. Most of them have flat screen TVs that broadcast sporting events. I would walk pass these areas on my way to music concerts. What I began to notice the sports coverage was either men’s basketball (college and NBA), soccer, or golf. This was very interesting on a ship with a 95% population of women. Especially, when women’s college basketball tournament was at its height and the women’s pre-world cup soccer friendlies were happening around the world.

Abby Wambach: Barnard Commencement 2018

The year Abby Wambach was born was my last year of play N.O.S.O. soccer. I had played girls club soccer starting in the mid-seventies. When I entered high school, the number of girls participating dropped and it became harder to have a league. Girls at my high school had varsity sports to choose from and or held jobs to save money for college. Soccer at my high school was a boys only sport. It wouldn't become a varsity sport until eight years later.

I was a half-back or now would be called a midfielder. I was the player who was in between the forwards and the fullbacks; and I did go after the ball. Soccer was a game where I could be aggressive by being willing to fight for the ball and send it to the forward to assist with goals. Those were in the days without shin guards.

When I learned to play soccer there were no Mia Hamms or Abby Wambachs or Hope Solos or Christen Presses. Pele was the dude everyone was talking about. On the field, we would enact his dribbling moves and goals. True at the time, not many U.S.ers understood what soccer was; but I envy the girls today who can see a woman doing cool soccer moves. They get to practice Abby Wambach’s header from the world cup against Brazil.

~~~

Being Strong

The kindest words my father spoke to me

women like you down oceans

-rupi kaur

Kaur, Rupi. Milk and Honey. Kansas City, MO: Andrew McMeel Publishing, LCC. 2015.

~~~

If you haven’t kept up with the news. The US Women’s National Soccer Team has filed a gender discrimination lawsuit against US Soccer. All 28 members of the current team are listed as plaintiffs that alleges discriminatory practices by the US’s federation, including unequal pay, training facilities, coaching, medical treatment and travel conditions.

At the same time, Abby Wambach is out on her book tour: Wolfpack: How to Come Together, Unleash our Power and Change the Game. Abby Wambach has scored more career goals in soccer than any male or female. (NOTE: 184 goals). Her women’s leadership book is based on her Barnard commencement speech in 2018 (See above). The inspiration for the speech came from a thought after receiving the ESPY icon awards on her retirement.

Wambach received the award with retiree Kobe Bryant and retiree Peyton Manning. She was honored and grateful, but as they walked down the stage with their awards it dawned on her: these two men were walking away with a different life than her. These men had sizable retirement packages from their careers. She would have to find a “new hustle."

Women athletes are not paid equal.

The common argument is women’s soccer doesn’t make money. Men’s soccer brings in more money. This isn’t true. In 2015, the US Women’s National Soccer Team brought in 6.6 million dollars whereas the men’s team brought in 2 million.

~~~

Back on the Pearl with the 95% population of women traveling, why didn't any of the TVs cover women's sports?

Not even a princess can escape #MeToo

Photograph: Tatiana Romanov

Boasson and Eggler St. Petersburg Nevsky 24,

13 Dec. 1913

“It’s not evil which conquers evil, but love.” Tatiana Romanov

I know it has been a great while since I wrote. Writers have dry spells and wet spells; or in my case they are involved in too many projects.

I am back from a six day vacation spent on a cruise with a population of 95% women. The theme centered on kindness and women musicians and singers. The music was great and inspiring. So inspiring, I’ve contemplated getting out my son’s bass that leans against his bedroom wall and learning how to play it.

Being on a cruise with a large population of women, I had dreamed of escaping prominent social norms that tell me how I am supposed to behave as a middle class woman who could afford to be on this trip. I was hoping to turn off my day job, but terrible social norms are hard to toss off the boat. There are many competing norms to consider and I hope to write about these the upcoming months.

###

Painting from Norwegian Pearl Summer Palace Dining Room
Tatiana Romanov and Earnest Hesse, Grand Duke Hesse taken
by Homelight April 2019

Regal environments and celebrities reinforce seem to capture our attention. Some of us have been taught to desire this lifestyle. According to Dr. Frank Farley, a professor and psychologist at Temple University and a former American Psychology Association president, “We all have dreams of wealth and fame and happiness and style and social influence and so on, which starts early with fairy tales and the way we raise our kids.” Even if we don’t chose to live this way this belief is subconsciously present. Farley adds, “[These dreams] stay with us, to some extent, throughout our lives. Royals and other people, like Hollywood figures and Kardashian types keep this phenomenon alive.”

On deck six of the Norwegian Pearl, is the Summer Palace Dining Room. The decor was inspired by Russian Palaces. It features red, green, and gold colors, marbled columns and high windows that look out over the waters. The paintings that line the walls depict the Romanov family before their forced imprisonment and assassination. Many of the paintings are colorized reproductions from familiar black and white photographs of the young royalty. The food is served on china on top of white table linen. One can feel regal eating from a daily changing three course menu.

Yet one painting caught my eye and made me feel yucky (see above). The painting is of Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna of Russia. The paintings tag stated she was with Ernest Hesse, Grand Duke of Hesse. Why was this man holding her arms this way? Why did he have his legs crossed around her? And, he was an older man. (I know today’s standards.)  There was nothing beyond the tag to put the painting into perspective.

After the cruise, I discovered Ernest Hesse was a beloved Uncle. This didn’t make the picture feel any better especially when there were other photographs of Uncle Ernie with the children the painter could have chosen from.

Tatiana was known to be the most organized and self assured of her sisters. During World War I, she was trained as a Russian Red Cross nurse. She was thought to be an efficient surgical nurse and tended to wounded officers at a hospital. Additionally, she organized a committee to help refugee from the war while continuing her nursing duties. When the family was imprisoned, Tatiana’s father would send her as a spokesperson to their guards. The painting doesn’t depict this story 

Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna
wearing a Red Cross nursing uniform
and Dmitri Yakovlevich Malama

of who Tatiana was.

Perhaps the painting is asking viewers to dig deeper into Tatiana’s life.

“Sofia Ivanovna Tyutcheva, one of the governesses for the girls, was horrified that Rasputin was permitted into the nursery while the girls were in their nightgowns. Tyutcheva wanted to barre him from the nursery. Tatiana, who was twelve at the time, feared her mother would be angered by Tyutcheva preventing him from coming into the nursery, and wrote to her about it. Even though she was soon fired, she told the story to other members of the family and they were scandalized. By all accounts, Rasputin’s visits to the children were innocent in nature. Grand Duchess Xenia Alexandrovna of Russia, Anastasia’s paternal aunt, was especially horrified.”

In Grand Duchess Xenia’s diaries, she writes that Rasputin caresses the children in the nursery, even the two pre-teen princesses.  She identifies this as inappropriate. Xenia is upset, but the children’s mother is so caught up in her grief over having a child with a medical disability -- can't hear her.   I would also argue, the Tsarina was also caught up in social norms and believed Rasputin’s behavior as a religious figure to be as acceptable. 

In either case, Tatiana did not consent or have the power to consent to this type of touch.  Going back to the painting it tells the story even a princess can’t escape an inappropriate touch.  

Resources:  

To learn more about Child Sexual Abuse Prevention and how to hold adults accountable see Darkness 2 Light.  

References:

Azur, Helen. “Tatiana Romanov. Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna of Russia.” The Romanov Family.com 18 Aug. 2015 Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 https://www.theromanovfamily.com/grand-duchess-tatiana-nikolaevna-of-russia/

Ducharme, Jamie. “Why people are obsessed with the royals, according to psychologists.” Time Magazine. 16 May 2018. Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 http://time.com/5253199/royal-obsession-psychology/

History of things. “The Grand Duchess of Russia who was Rumoured to have escaped death, Anastasia Romanov.” 27 May 2017. Retrieved 13 Apr. 2019 https://historythings.com/grand-duchess-anastasia-romanov/

Doing My Part with Small Steps

Elizabeth Boehm (1843-1914) Postcard reads People stand for
different things I stand with my friend

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don't go out in the woods nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.” ~  Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype


One of the first feminist spirituality books I read was by Clarissa Pinkola Estes: Women who Run With the Wolves. It was a book that was flying off the shelf and several coworkers were reading it during lunch. The book attracted me, because Estes used myth and fairy tales (who doesn’t like myth and fairy tales). The book was an awakening for me. It caused me to really question who I was as a woman back in 1992.

In her essay for Awakin.org. Estes challenges us to fix what we can in our broken world. Today I find myself feeling overwhelmed with an increasing laundry list: environment, economy, housing, food scarcity… However, Estes encourages us to do small things like: showing up for our children’s events; meal training it for a friend who is shut in; and eating meatless Mondays. Yes, she acknowledges that there are really big problems. But, we need to focus on what “I” the individual can do. One example is cleaning up the litter problem in your neighborhood. It is a daunting task to do all by yourself, but you can keep your lawn tidy. Her key message is to show up and to keep showing up.

My dad walks about three miles a day every morning. Each day he takes along a trash bag and picks up the litter along his path. He has been doing this before it became a Swedish trend called Plogging. Dad follows John Muir hiker’s creed of “leaving nothing but footprints.” My point is Dad is doing what he can on his morning walks; and he keeps showing up.

Estes discusses the importance of showing up. We are in relationship with each other. By doing what we can, our soul’s light inspires others. It is easy to show up during “golden times,” she writes. But, we are even more needed during the stormy times. Your light inspires and helps another.

###

A Prayer

By Clarissa Pinkola Estés, The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

###

I keep thinking Estes is all about kindness shared.  I look on the news and see on my Facebook feed pictures of angry people and videos who care only about winning at any cost.   I have to ask myself where is compassion and empathy for another? When I have asked a person who displays this type of behavior; they are demeaning and condescending to me. I find this ends up as a no win solution. Maybe that's the point it is a no win solution. And, if I really care about the issue I need to find other ways around it that doesn't involves them. These are the small steps I need to keep showing up for.

ARTUAL: Questions to journal about:

What do I have control over?
Where can I make a difference?
Where can I make an impact and not get burnt out?
What are my values for living?
How can I stay true to my values with my beloveds?


Resource:

13 Reasons Why You Should Read “Women Who Run With the Wolves” Instead by Kami Leon (Cliff notes of the book)

Pikola Estes, Clarissa (2018) We were Made for these times. The Heart of the Matter. 

#Believe prayers

"To be rendered powerless does not destroy your humanity. Your resilience is your humanity. The only people who lose their humanity are those who believe they have the right to render another human being powerless. They are the weak. To yield and not break, that is incredible strength." ~ Hanna Gadsby, “Nanette”

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ~ Maya Angelou

This past week really pulled me down. However, I chose Shiloh Sophia’s call and put prayers into my art with each paint stroke (See above). I put green and copper into my year long painting. My prayers were for healing survivors, healing perpetrators, healing for those who believe and stand with survivors, and those who continue to victim blame. I prayed for a society in my lifetime that is free of unhealthy behaviors that hurt another.

I work in the field of domestic and sexual violence. The local, state and national hotlines have increased since Thursday. Survivors are calling about old wounds or new hurts. Men are calling asking: what can they do? I’ve been sharing a starting list from Men Can Stop Rape. Futures without Violence is another good resource for both prevention and intervention. They have materials for different professions and different age groups. Their Starting Strong program has a checklist parents can take to their schools to look at policy and curriculums used to prevent bullying, sexual harassment and dating violence. If you work or volunteer with a youth serving organization, Stewards of Children offers a policy checklist and an on-line prevention training for adults to hold other adults accountable.

If you’re a friend or family member of a survivor - BELIEVE!!!! Share the national hotline. They are also there to support you as a friend or a caregiver.

RAINN - National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE.

If you still don’t know how to show support to a survivor. Check out Brene Brown’s video on what is empathy.

If you are a survivor - I am sorry this has happened to you. Your pain should not be mocked or laughed at nor should you be told “if it had been me I would of….” I am sorry.

There are professionals who are trauma trained and experienced in working with survivors. To get a listing contact your local rape crisis center. There are also other forms of trauma therapy available: yoga, theater, dance, singing, and art.

The Trough
by Judy Brown:
Read by Judy Brown. 

My ARTUAL this new moon…. Putting green and copper - healing brush strokes for the world.  

Artist Creed with Jan Phillips

Jan Phillips

“Our stories contain the answers to each others’ questions. What I cannot find in searching through the riches and rubble of my own life may become apparent to me in the witnessing of yours. It’s through our stories that we begin to name ourselves, to say who we are under all the social trappings, and to emerge from those trappings like a butterfly from a chrysalis. We are midwives, in a way, to each other’s rebirth.” ~ Jan Phillips

Women Writing for a Change is a 10 week creative writing circle. The writing circle is an open space for women to celebrate and nurture each other. Before passing a candle around to say our names into the circle, we open with a poem to inspire our evening of free writing and sharing.  This is my second year attending the Columbus circle.

Last week I was struck by Jan Phillips poem.  I believe this is what artuals do for us and to others who look, read or feel our work.

Artist’s Creed

By Jan Phillips (1994)

I believe I am worth the time it takes to create

         whatever I feel called to create.

I believe that my work is worthy of its own space

              which is worthy of the name, Sacred.

I believe that when I enter this space, I have the right

to work in silence, uninterruptedly, for as long as I choose.

I believe that the moment I open myself to the gifts of the Muse

I open myself to the Source of All Creation

         and become One with the Mother of Life Itself.

I believe that my work is joyful, useful and constantly changing,

    flowing through me like a river with no beginning and no

End

I believe that what it is I am called to do

             will make itself known when I have made myself ready

I believe that the time I spend creating my art

        is as precious as the time I spend giving to others.

I believe that what truly matters in the making of art

         is not what the final piece looks like or sounds like,

              not what it is worth or not worth, but what

        newness gets added to the universe in the process

           of the piece itself becoming.

 I believe that I am not alone in my attempts to create,

    and that once I begin the work, settle into the strangeness,

the words will take shape, the form find life, and the spirit take

Flight.

I believe that as the Muse gives to me,

So does she deserve from me:

           faith, mindfulness and enduring commitment.

Resources:

Jan Phillips website: http://janphillips.com/about-jan/